Getting honest

 One of the hardest things about prayer for me is honesty. I resalize that makes me sound like a big fat liar, but let me explain.

The past few years, my relationship wit the Lord has grown in ways that I never thought possible. Granted, I had to go through some craziness to get there, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. There were a lot of late nights and early mornings and general crying out to him, but I can say without hesitation that he used all things for his good.

Lately, when I sit down to pray, I have a little bit of difficulty. I know that there are things that I need to change, and I know that I need to pray about it. But, I have a hard time getting honest with God about it, because I know that means I need to get honest with myself. And that can be hard. Because when you get honest, you have to feel things and work through things. The healing is amazing, but the going through it is challenging.

For example, there have been many times that I have prayed that some of the people in our lives stop being so boastful about how much money they make. But, what I really need to be praying about is the spirit of jealousy and envy in my own heart. I can pray that my husband changes some things, but I need to be praying about the resentment and anger in my heart towards him.

Who wants to admit these things about themselves?!?!?!  I know I didn't! I try to think of myself as a decent person, but when I really did an examination of my heart posture, it changed the way I thought about myself. I started getting pretty down on myself and thinking about what a terrible person I was.

Now, let me first say that this is a giant trap from the devil himself. That is exactly what he wants us to do- think about all of the bad things we have done, have the "I'm not worthy" moment and withdrawl from God.

Secondly, we are all a hot mess. And that's just the truth. We all struggle with something. I'm not minimizing anyone's struggles by any means. But, this is why God calls us to do life in community. So that we can go to our friends, our brothers and sisters in Christ, and tell them, "Hey, I'm having a hard time with this", or "Hey, I'm struggling withthis." Sometimes we need friends who share in our struggles because they struggle with the same things, so we get through it together! We swap scriptures, we pray for each other, we hold each other accountable.

I have had to get really honest with myself over the past few months. There are things that I really don't like about myself. It was hard to acknowledge those things, for sure. Sometimes those things become walls that we build to keep us from getting hurt. But those same walls can block out joy and blessings. And those trials are always lessons from God that are meant for our good. 

Getting honest with myself has been one of the most challenging things I have every had to do. But I've come before God, vulnerable, honest, and a willing vessel to allow him to work in me. I've asked him for help and guidance and to soften my heart and my ego to be obedient to him. And, nestled right in the middle of it all, was a precious moment with The Father.