Taking Faithful Steps

      During this time, I started counseling, and I spent a lot of time with God. I cried out to him, sometimes I just cried, and I begged for guidance. God very clearly told me that I needed to battle for my husband and battle for my marriage. I didn't understand, because my husband had made it painfully clear that there wasn't a marriage to battle for, but I was obedient to what God told me to do. I prayed for and over that man more times than I can count. I prayed for restoration in my marriage, but I also asked God to give me peace with however he chose to work the situation out.      God and my counselor forced me to take a hard look at myself and the root of why I made some of the choices that I made. I had to stop running from my issues and get serious about holding myself accountable if I ever wanted anything to change. I knew that, no matter the outcome of my marriage, this was not the person that I wanted to be.      Like Jacob, I w...

      I cheated on my husband. I would love to say that it only happened one time, but I would be lying. At the time, I had my reasons, but the bottom line is, it was wrong, hurtful, and selfish. It caused a lot of pain within my family, and within myself.     For a long time, I felt like "adulteress" was the label that I would wear forever. I felt like it had become part of my identity. My husband and I were in these cycles of not liking each other very much. There were harsh arguments, nasty words, no time spent together... we were essentially 2 people bound together by law, bills and kids. Each of us would make our own attempts to course correct, but the other was typically too angry or stubborn (or both) to notice or appreciate the efforts. Somewhere along the way, I accepted that this was going to be my reality, the cycle that I was going to be in for the rest of my life, and it was heartbreaking. I tried to make myself go numb to it, and somehow went down ...

      T he story of Jacob is probably one of the most powerful stories of transformation and redemption that there is. I had read it a thousand times, but until a recent sermon, I had no idea how deep it actually was.      Jacob's name actually means "trickster" or "deceiver." And, from the very beginning, he embodied that as a part of his identity. He tried to pull his twin brother  back in so that he could be born first, he cheated his brother out of his birthright over a bowl of stew, and he tricked his dying father for a blessing.      Eventually, Jacob's actions caught up to him to the point that he took his family and was fleeing in the wilderness, where he engaged in an all night wrestling match with God. Jacob told God, "I won't let go until you bless me", which I had viewed as arrogant. After this, God asked Jacob what his name was. After Jacob identified himself, he asked God to identify himself because it was dark and his face...

      So, here is what I am learning through this process that I am sure will be ongoing for quite some time.     Number one is that I don't want to cheat myself out of the grieving process. I know that sounds funny because most people want to get through the grieving process as quickly as possible because who wants to continue to feel pain? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want to drag this on. But, I am saying that, I have learned through past experiences that the only way out is through. And, I need to allow myself the ability to feel the pain and the loss, otherwise I will ultimately chest myself out of experiencing the joy that comes in the morning that is promised to me. Ignoring those feelings leads to disaster. I know that God is going to make something beautiful from this.     Number two is that feelings are not mutually exclusive. I can hold on to God's promises while still processing my grief and feeling my pain. So many times, peop...

      After our house flooded, my husband and I worked very hard to rebuild it exactly he way we wanted it. We meticulously chose the flooring, countertops, and colors on the walls because, in our minds, this was the long term look of the house.     During what I thought was a time of rebuilding, my husband dropped a bomb on me that caused my entire world to collapse. Then, my house (that looked more like a construction site), became a place that I grew closest to the Lord. He met me, in the middle of the night, at a 6 foot folding table when I was shattered. It was where I first learned the meaning of the phrase, "peace that passes all understanding."      While the physical rebuilding of our house was happening, so was the rebuilding of our family. There were open, honest, and difficult conversations that happened. Trust and forgiveness needed to be rebuilt. There were awkward moments that needed to be navigated. A lot of restless, sleepless nig...