transformation series, 3

     During this time, I started counseling, and I spent a lot of time with God. I cried out to him, sometimes I just cried, and I begged for guidance. God very clearly told me that I needed to battle for my husband and battle for my marriage. I didn't understand, because my husband had made it painfully clear that there wasn't a marriage to battle for, but I was obedient to what God told me to do. I prayed for and over that man more times than I can count. I prayed for restoration in my marriage, but I also asked God to give me peace with however he chose to work the situation out. 

    God and my counselor forced me to take a hard look at myself and the root of why I made some of the choices that I made. I had to stop running from my issues and get serious about holding myself accountable if I ever wanted anything to change. I knew that, no matter the outcome of my marriage, this was not the person that I wanted to be. 

    Like Jacob, I wrestled with God a LOT on this. I wasn't sure how this change was going to happen, because I had been trapped in this cycle of my own behavior for so long that I had somehow accepted this was "just who I was." More than that, I didn't feel worthy of any of the changes that I knew needed to happen because of the pain and hurt I had caused the people I loved. I didn't feel that I deserved the good that God had for me because of the bad I had done.

    Essentially, I was telling God that my plan for myself was better than the plan that he had for me. I was being my own judge and jury. But, God is such a loving and wonderful God, instead of reprimanding me, he gently worked on my heart to show me a few things.

    First and foremost he showed me that I was forgiven for my sins. I needed to earn back the trust and forgiveness of my family, but God had forgiven me. He also showed me that none of us is truly "worthy", which is why Jesus had to die in the first place. But, because of Jesus' sacrifice and because I accepted him as my Lord and savior, that means that ALL of God's promises are for me. And, he promises me a hope, a future, and that he is working all things out for my good.

    God changed my heart during this time. He helped me see who I am in him and that he is the only validation that I need. It took a lot of midnight meetings with him to get me there. I needed to fully embrace that his forever plan for my life is greater that any temporary anything I had for myself. I needed to realize that the mistakes of my past do not define my future, or who I am as a person. My mistakes are not my identity. And the shadows of my past to not get to invade the future God has for me. 

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