Series part 3

     So, here is what I am learning through this process that I am sure will be ongoing for quite some time.

    Number one is that I don't want to cheat myself out of the grieving process. I know that sounds funny because most people want to get through the grieving process as quickly as possible because who wants to continue to feel pain? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want to drag this on. But, I am saying that, I have learned through past experiences that the only way out is through. And, I need to allow myself the ability to feel the pain and the loss, otherwise I will ultimately chest myself out of experiencing the joy that comes in the morning that is promised to me. Ignoring those feelings leads to disaster. I know that God is going to make something beautiful from this.

    Number two is that feelings are not mutually exclusive. I can hold on to God's promises while still processing my grief and feeling my pain. So many times, people want us to push past the pain to the promise. Maybe it's because they want to remind us that we are blessed, maybe they don't want to see us in pain. But, I know that I can be sad about my losses while still knowing that God has something good for me. It doesn't mean that my faith or my belief in God or his promises have diminished in any way. It means that loss hurts, and pretending that it doesn't is unhealthy on many levels.

    Number three is that PTSD is a real thing. I used to associate that term typically with people who had served in the military or who had suffered some kind of abuse. But, it is also for people who have lived through or witnessed some type of traumatic event. And there are triggers that will take me back to that night, or something that I was feeling that night, or that will raise a whole new level of anxiety within me. And, it's ok to call it what it is. It doesn't mean that my faith is weak or I'm not praying enough or that God is punishing me by not removing the "thorn in my flesh." It means that life is not perfect, and now this is something that I need healing from.

    They say that a person's true character is revealed when they go through trials. I don't know how much I believe that because I am not the same person that I was in 2023 after the house flooded. I think that a person's character can be shaped when they go through trials. I think that when bad things happen, it offers us a choice in how we are going to deal with it, and, just because we may not start out on the "right" road does not mean that God can't help us course correct. His grace and mercy were right behind me when my home was burning down and I asked him, "God where are you? How could you let this happen?" When I had the opportunity to turn my back on him (and considered it) but didn't. That moment did not, and does not define who I am as a person, or as a Christian. It wasn't some colossal character flaw, or telling of my faith in God. It was a springboard. It was an opportunity for God to show up for his hurting, grieving daughter, and offer comfort in a tragedy.

    I said it before, this entire experience has been surreal, to say the least. And, fortunately for me, there is no timeline for dealing with and processing trauma. I know that God is working on me, I've seen him work in, on, and through other members of this community. I've learned how to be humble and accept help, I've learned the true meaning of grace, and I have seen the love of Jesus on every face I have encountered. While I would not live through this experience again for all of the tea in China, I also can't wait to see how God will continue to use it for his good.