Transformation series 2

     I cheated on my husband. I would love to say that it only happened one time, but I would be lying. At the time, I had my reasons, but the bottom line is, it was wrong, hurtful, and selfish. It caused a lot of pain within my family, and within myself.

    For a long time, I felt like "adulteress" was the label that I would wear forever. I felt like it had become part of my identity. My husband and I were in these cycles of not liking each other very much. There were harsh arguments, nasty words, no time spent together... we were essentially 2 people bound together by law, bills and kids. Each of us would make our own attempts to course correct, but the other was typically too angry or stubborn (or both) to notice or appreciate the efforts. Somewhere along the way, I accepted that this was going to be my reality, the cycle that I was going to be in for the rest of my life, and it was heartbreaking. I tried to make myself go numb to it, and somehow went down the rabbit hole of thinking that I needed to create my own happiness, because the happiness I was truly hoping for was likely never going to happen. I wanted external validation because internally, I felt like I was dying. 

    After my last affair, my husband moved out for a while. At first I felt relieved because I didn't have to hide anything any more. But, I also felt like this was a chance at a new beginning.

    Relief quickly turned to sadness, anger and, to be honest, disgust with myself. There were days that I wanted to crawl out of my skin because I hated what I had done. I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I hated the person looking back at me. I hated that I had become the woman who could do this. I knew right from wrong, and I knew that it was wrong the whole time. But I fooled myself in to thinking that this was my only option for any kind of happiness.

    I resolved that I was going to start this next phase of my life being a better person. I was going to really focus on how I could improve myself as a human being, as a woman and a mother. I asked God for forgiveness, but that was as far as that went.

    My husband and I decided to work on our marriage, so he moved back in. We had a few open, honest conversations about things that had happened, but for the most part, we just focused on how happy we were to be back together. We were spending time together, enjoying each other's company and, I thought, falling back in love again. 

    My happiness was short lived because, a few months later, after we had moved back in to our home following a flood, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. He decided that he couldn't forgive me and he and met someone else. 

    I was completely shattered. I could not believe that God had brought us back together to allow us to be torn apart again. But, I also realized that I had hurt him deeply and violated his trust. I loved him enough to want him to be happy, even if that wasn't with me, which I told him. I felt that I had no right to be angry with him after what I had done, and I needed to accept the reality that I needed to let him go.