Closure God's way

 Closure is a word that I have heard a lot in my adult life. Everyone was always looking for closure in situations or in relationships. Hollywood does a great job of showing 2 mature adults, who meet in a public place, sit down over a meal, have a rational conversation, shake hands and part ways.

By show of hands, how many times has that every happened to any of you?

About 8 years ago, I recieved something in the mail from my father. It was a fairly sizeable box, filled with my baby pictures, pictures of him with my kids, pictures I drew him, projects I made him, my old band shirt (yep, I was a band nerd), and a 2 page, typed, single spaced letter listing all of the ways I was a terrible person, mother, daughter, wife and Christian, and he pretty much submitted his resigantion to our lives.

I spent some time during the last 8 years processing the whole thing. I was hurt and angry, I didn't understand why there were such extreme measures taken. I tried the "screw you, I'm betetr off without you" attitude for a long time. I was hurt and confused as to why my father, despite our differences, would want to erase me from his life. And, let's be honest, when you send every piece of anything that had to do with someone back to them, that's about the only way to look at it.

Something like that screws you up. Your parents are supposed to be the ones who love you all of the time no matter what. And, to have one of them choose to not be in your life can shake you to your core. I felt unloved, unworthy, unwanted and undeserving. If my own father didn't want to be around me and I wasn't good enough for him, why on earth would my husband want to stick around me? Was I a good enough mother to my kids? Was I destined to be the same type of parent that he was? It messed with my mind and my heart. For a long timre, i sought closure over the situation and thought, "If I could just sit down and have a conversation with him, maybe I could understand." I thought that it was the only way I could ever have peace with the situation, and eventually settled in to the mindset that I probably never would this side of heaven.

Over the past few years, I have grown closer to God than I ever have been before. Some of it was through tragic events, some of it through raising my kids in to young adulthood and what that has taught me about parenting. Some of it was through entering this next phase of life and learning what that means for me as a whole. 

I have learned a lot about myself, and I'm looking forward to continuing that learning journey. I have learned that forgiveness is not a linear path. You don't always reach the destination of forgiveness and never look back. Some days there are milestones or triggers that can open old wounds. And I have to make the choice to go to the Lord and ask him to help me forgive, because I can't do it in my own strength- my flesh will win every time.

I have also learned that closure isn't about the Hollywood resolution. In this case, I admit some fault over the relationship with my dad. There were certianly things that I could have done differently. But, for now, my closure has come in knowing that my questions will probably never be answered, and that's ok. My dad made his choices and he had his reasons, and that is his cross to bear. My cross is taking away what I can learn from the situation and using it to make me better. A better woman, wife, mom, and child of God. The closure has come in remembering that God always works all things out for my good, because he loves me. I don't know what work he is doing in my dad's heart and life, and it isn't for me to know. I just pray and trust and know that my heart is God's.