List Maker

        I am a list maker. I tend to do better with lists and with schedules than without. Some of that is my personality, some of that comes out of necessity of balancing a full time job, 2 full time kids, 1 full time husband and a household. 

    I also like to write down goals that I have and the steps that I'm going to take to achieve said goals. Several years ago, when I got in to what was probably the best shape of my life, I had every little detail of my life written out. I'm talking calorie intake, meals, how much water I needed to consume, the latest I could eat. I'll admit, I got a little bit obsessive about it. But, I was determined to get healthy.

    This past year, I had some goals that I wanted to accomplish. And, I did my best to line each of them up with Biblical principles. I looked at each one and thought, "What does Scripture say about this?" Everything from being a good steward of my finances, to my health, to managing my household.

    And no matter what I did, things just got worse. I tried to be a stickler to my financial plan, our account was in the red. I was a stickler for my health routine, I felt worse. I was doing everything "right", checking all of the boxes, and nothing changed for the better. It was so incredibly frustrating and depressing.

    Now, I am currently in what I call my podcast era. There are a few Christian ones I really enjoy. On one of these particular podcasts, the topic was on doing life, but not taking God with us. How we essentially go ahead of God, even when we're doing what He told us to do.

    I really prayed and medicated on that for a while. I thought about when I was compiling my "goals list" and how I applied Scripture to each one. But, I also thought about how, when I had everything together, I pretty much just plowed ahead with everything on my own. 

    I was forgetting a pretty important aspect-God himself! God isn't a give you a list of instructions, go do, then check back in with me when you're done kind of God. God will give us instructions, He will tell us and show us what He wants from us. But, He wants to come with us in our lives. He wants to go before us to light our path, walk beside us to keep us from being alone, and walk behind us to keep us safe. God wants to be with us in our obedience and in our struggles- and yes, it is possible to struggle, even in obedience. He deosn't want to be left behind in the things he tells us to do.

    And that's exactly what I was doing. I was looking at the things I knew God was asking of me and trying to bulldoze through all of them on my own. God never asked me to do that. He wanted me to listen and to be obedient, but he never once said, "Do this without me." And assuming he did was a recepie for complete frustration and disappointment. I needed to take that step back and surrender my illusion of independence and remember that God will never lead me to what he will not walk with me through.

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