What you have to offer

     When I was growing up, I always wanted to be a writer. I had this dream of publishing books, I was always writing stories and poems, I was convinced I was going to make it big. I had a bunch of people telling me how tough it was to get published, so I kind of gave up on it. I mean, the dream never really went away, it just kind of laid dormant.

    When I got older, I started to think again about how great it would be to be a writer. I had visions of myself sitting on the porch of a lake house, or in a sunny office, just writing away. (I mean, I'm sure there were going to be episodes of writers block and long nights in there, but I was focusing on the positive). I had started writing little snippets of things- not really short stories, just kind of events in my life. I showed them to a friend of mine who suggested that I start a blog. She then took out her computer and set one up for me. That was about 12 years ago.

    Back in December, I felt a calling to start putting videos out in Instagram. I wanted to create a space, specifically for women. I wanted to, first of all, create a space for women who were, maybe struggling a little bit in their faith, or feeling like they were somehow less than because they didn't have all of the answers. Mostly because I know what it's like to be in that place and have the people around you make you feel broken. I wanted women to know that they weren't broken. I also wanted to have a space for women in perimenopause and menopause to talk about our health, our experiences, share resources, etc. I was firmly in that phase of life and miserable, and I had to do a lot of advocating for myself, so I wanted a place for women to potentially share resources to help each other. So, I started putting up videos.

    Now, I would love to tell you that my blog gets thousands of views a week, and my Instagram videos have taken off and I'm some kind of major influencer who is helping women, and I have realized my dream of writing at a lake house. But, that's just not the case. 

    In fact, sometimes I look at the number of views my blog gets or my Instagram videos and I get disheartened and disappointed. Especially because I put my heart in to whatever content I put out there, and I truly felt like I was being obedient to what God was calling me to do. Even though my blog happened quickly, I wouldn't have continued it without prayer, and I prayed about the Instagram videos before I started them. So, to be doing, not only something that I had a true heart for, and to feel like I was being obedient to the Lord, on top of being vulnerable, to not have what I felt looked like success was frustrating. I had this whole scenario in my head about how my blog would take off or my IG would "go viral." I know that sounds more like the dream of a woman in her 20s than a woman in her 40s, but I was hopeful.

    I would get frustrated and wonder if I really heard God. Was I doing what he asked? Then, I'd get down on myself for feeling selfish, and I would wonder if I was trying to chase success or just be obedient? I was embarrassed about putting myself out there, because I was trying to be genuine and transparent, hoping that I was reaching someone or helping someone.

    I prayed about it and God reminded me of a few things. First, in Zecharaiah 4:10 God tells us not to despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin. And, in Philippians 1:6, he says that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion.

    God placed this dream, this desire in my heart which I confirmed through prayer. And yes, deep down, while we all hope for overnight success, it's usually not realistic. Things take time and you have to start somewhere. My laptop, my blog, my phone, my backyard are my small beginnings. And, while I may never have the lakehouse, or be considered an influencer, I know that God is using all of this for his purpose. My job is the obedience, his job is the outcome. And, if he gave me this dream and this desire, and I'm obedient, he will bring his work in me to completion, weather completion looks like 1,000 people or 1 person.

    We never know who needs to hear what God has given us to say. Yea, I'd love to be on the New York Times best seller list, but that can't be my main goal, or my heart posture. Because my gifts and talents and dreams were not given to me by God for selfish purposes. They were given to me to glorify him. If God has given you a dream or a desire, pray about how He wants you to use it, and pray that it reaches whom he has intended it for. Don't despise your small beginnings because God will bring the work to completion