My home

     I remember when we were going through the "after" phase of the housefire. We were displaced in temporary housing for as long as we needed to be ( there are still good people out there!). But, my husband and I were anxious to get in to a home of "our own." We didn't want to take advantage of the people who opened their home to us, but there is also something to be said for having our own place. I was convinced that somehow, when we were settled in to our own place, my heart would find peace and the healing could begin.

    The process of finding our next home proved to be a longer one than we had anticipated. Insurances take forever (as I'm sure some of you know), I was still recovering from a hysterectomy, which means I was on short term disability, and we still technically had a mortgage in our names. This was not a smooth-sailing process and it left me feeling unsettled at times.

    All I wanted was a home of our own where we could settle in to our routine and we could heal from all of this trauma. I knew that we were in a good, safe, situation, but we also knew was temporary. That made me feel more unsettled. I so desperately wanted peace and I was convinced that the only thing that was going to help me was to get in to "our" house. And, even after we were able to purchase a house, the closing process kept getting pushed back for reasons beyond our control. At one point, we thought we were going to have to start over from square one. Enter more "unsettledness" (if that's even a word).

    One day when I had gotten quiet with God, he began to speak to my heart and reveal some things to me. He showed me that a house is a structure. My home is my family. My husband, my children, and their significant others. My home is my church family, my work family and my community. The place I lay my head at night, cook my meals ( and clean, amen) was never going to change that. I needed to change my focus and my heart posture, and realize that my house may have burnt down and closing on my new house was taking forever, but I was never gone from my home.

    Secondly he showed me that he is my peace. Not a house or a quiet kitchen, or being alone for a few hours. Not even being at the beach, which is typically my "go to" for finding peace. He is my peace, and he never left me through the process.

    I didn't like what I was going through and I had certain expectations on the situation. But, those expectations were not in God's plan, and they very rarely are. My expectations were a pretty linear path with few stops along the way. God's plan involved twists and turns, stop signs, and unexpected detours. But, if there is one thing I have learned, it's that God does not allow detours that don't bring you closer to him. 

    My heart had always been to have a home that my kids could bring their kids back to when they grew up and talk about Christmases and graduations and memories. What God showed me is that they have that in my husband and I. They may not be able to come back to a structure and sit around that same table. But, whatever table we are at, we will all be together talking and sharing memories and creating new ones. I am their home. And they are mine.

    Yes, now we are in our new house. We are in a new routine. We sit around the table together, and I'm even planning where to put the Christmas tree this year. There are mornings that go smoothly, there are mornings that are chaos. But every morning, regardless of the circumstances, I will look across my house and see the sun streaming in and thank God that he is my peace and the for the home he has given me.