When your tribe's not vibing

     So, what do you do when your tribe's not vibing? What happens when you find yourself in a friendship with someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart?

    I had to learn the hard way that who you "hang with" matters. It matters because it protects your peace, and your heart. 

    A few years ago, I had a very close friend. I thought that she was my ride or die. We were about as opposite as you could get, so to say that it was an unlikely friendship was an understatement. She was an extrovert, said whatever was on her mind, quick to stand up for herself, and, although she believed in God, she pretty much didn't go to church unless it was for a wedding or a funeral. But, she seemed like she was the real deal- someone who had your back no matter what. She brought out a little bit of the brave in me, which I think I needed. And, I did try to be at least a little bit of a good influence on her.

    She became my human diary when I was going through some tough stuff, and when I was making some bad choices. And granted, although I don't know if I would have listened to wise council I needed at the time, she was all about encouraging me to keep doing what I was doing. She was all about the "as long as it makes you happy" philosophy. And, in her mind I'm sure she was trying to be a good friend, but we both knew that what was temporarily making me happy was not what was best for me.

    My life kinda blew up in my face, as it typically does when you're doing stupid things. And, at first, she was still my ride or die. She was there for me, supporting me, cheering me on. I kept thinking how lucky I was to have a friend like that in my corner.

    Then I heard about some conversations that were happening behind my back. Someone I had once been very close to, and had trusted very much, was saying some very harsh, untrue things about me to protect their own reputation. These things were being said to my friend directly, and all I could think was, "Well, you're pretty stupid because you know we're friends and she has my back!"

    Turns out what she had was a pretty central part in the conversation, and not to defend me. She participated. She agreed. She added to it. She used things that I told her in confidence as some talking points. And then told me that she did it! (I mean, I'm all for honesty but DANG!)

    I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I trusted her with some very personal things and she used them as ammunition against me. The one and only person in the world who knew every detail of my life, and she used it as office gossip. 

    Now, I'm not going to say that these things happened because we didn't share the same belief system- that's a really unfair statement. In this situation, do I think it probably would have been to my benefit to be around people who did have the same belief system that I did? Probably. Hindsight is always 20/20. But, should I have known that this person should not have been in my inner circle when they were flat out encouraging me to sin? Probably.

    By NO means am I saying, "Don't be friends with unbelievers or non Christians." That's just plain stupid. What I am saying is not to let someone have immediate access to your heart who will encourage you to out and out sin and to keep darkness in darkness.

    Someone who has your best interests at heart will always encourage you to be the best version of yourself that you can be. For me,, that looks like keeping my eyes on Jesus, encouraging me to be in his word, and walk in my calling. Someone with access to my heart needs to be trustworthy, and willing to defend me publicly and privately, and speak the truth about me.

    This was a really painful lesson because I loved this person like a sister. To have her take something so incredibly personal to me and use it for her own personal gain was hurtful and embarrassing. It took me to a season of solitude because I was so scared to trust anyone else. But during that time God spoke to my heart what friendship in Christ is about, and the people who I needed to come alongside of me in my life. I have forgiven her and I am able to be cordial when we see each other. I've allowed God to take that hurt and use it for my good, and now I have an amazing, beautiful "tribe" of women who spur me on to my best. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What the fire grew

       My dad and I have had a fractured relationship for a long time. I posted a while ago about some correspondence via snail mail that occurred right before Christmas. In a way, I was trying to extend an olive branch, but, more importantly, I was being obedient to something I felt God was telling me to do. Every letter I received from him seemed to be more of a laundry list of why everything was my fault. My family kept checking on me, but I told them that I was ok. And I was. I truly felt that I had peace with the fact that there was no relationship there and that he couldn't gaslight or guilt me any more.     Or so I thought.      On Christmas day, my house burned down after we finished eating Christmas dinner. My husband, our 2 children, their other halves, and our daughter's best friend were inside, along with all of our fur babies, 2 of which did not make it. Within hours, it was all over social media, thanks to a friend of ours who p...
Read more

Living in the waiting

  So, here we are about a week and a half post fire. Our family's third major, I guess you could say tragedy in a 3 year time period, and the second time that we have needed to be displaced for a lengthy period of time. We have been blessed more donations than we are able to handle, to the point where we were blessing people with food and clothing. We have a storage unit filled to the gills of bedding, towels, furniture, appliances, etc. We have a fully furnished, 3 bedroom home on a beautiful piece of property for as long as we need it. But we are still living in limbo. Please don't misunderstand. Not for one moment am I not thankful and grateful for everything that we have received. The community outreach has been far beyond what I ever could have imagined. But, the reality is, right now, we are living in the waiting. We need to wait for the insurance company to do whatever they are going to do so that my husband and I can make a decision and move forward with permanent ...
Read more

Getting honest

  One of the hardest things about prayer for me is honesty. I resalize that makes me sound like a big fat liar, but let me explain. The past few years, my relationship wit the Lord has grown in ways that I never thought possible. Granted, I had to go through some craziness to get there, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. There were a lot of late nights and early mornings and general crying out to him, but I can say without hesitation that he used all things for his good. Lately, when I sit down to pray, I have a little bit of difficulty. I know that there are things that I need to change, and I know that I need to pray about it. But, I have a hard time getting honest with God about it, because I know that means I need to get honest with myself. And that can be hard. Because when you get honest, you have to feel things and work through things. The healing is amazing, but the going through it is challenging. For example, there have been many times that I have prayed that some of t...
Read more